The extrovert introvert

No excuse

You know often how people say things like ‘being drunk is no excuse, he/she probably was already like that. It just comes out when he/she drinks!”
Well, while being drunk is no excuse for cheating, arguing, getting aggressive. it often is the reason. I’ve done things while drunk that never even came to mind while sober. So yes, it does change a person completely. Why do you think people drink? For the taste of it? One ok. But more often it is to feel different. The line of being loose and relaxed to getting annoying is very thin. The moment you still think you are telling a funny story, you must consider that you may have been telling this same story already 3 times. To the same person. In 10 minutes.

giphy-1 The extrovert introvert

Going out

Why this intro? Well, I thought that I would stay the same. I got this image of me that I’m an extrovert, life of the party, ad rem… That I’d still enjoy the dynamics of a large crowd, that I’d still be able to babble like before. Wrong! Turns out I’m an introvert that gets extrovert when being drunk. I honestly had greater joy in scrubbing the bathroom this Friday evening, than going to a concert along with 15049481 other people who all want to stand on the same 1m², with toilets on the other side of the field, with music so loud I couldn’t understand anything if I’d wanted to and I don’t know what to say if somebody compliments me. I don’t know what to say in general either. Talk about what?

introverts_smalltalk-1 The extrovert introvert

There was a concert in town my husband wanted to attend because why not and there would be familiar faces.  I, still thinking I’d enjoy these things like before, went along.  This was a mayor mistake. As I was standing there, squeezed underneath stranger’s armpits (I’m only 159 cm), avoiding spilled drinks and having to shout WHAAAT?! when somebody asked something… I came to the realization that this is not my idea of having a fun time anymore. The loudness, the claustrophobia, the dirty toilets you could only reach after plowing a way through the crowd and garbage… Either I’m getting old or either I’m just who I always was, and hated, again.  I wanted to be like my brother, outgoing, lots of friends. But noooo, my best friends were books and my conversations were often considered ‘too deep, loosen up’. We were the real life Bart and Lisa Simpson.
Then I got complimented on my looks. A lot. Since I’ve stopped drinking I’ve lost weight and I sport. Walking to work with my face in the sun gave me a lovely color. So, I do look good, better than ever before really. I’m content with myself. Yet, I’m surprised when somebody else notices it too. So, I got complimented.  Instead of feeling good and secure the opposite happened, I got very aware of myself.  As if I was a schoolgirl again, 16 years old and full of insecurities. I got very self-conscious. I felt so out of place that I would have given an arm to be able to go home. To top that off, I felt so bad for my husband because he enjoyed himself and I stood there like a salt pillar. Today, I’m exhausted, my energy is still drained. Yesterday I even talked gibberish because I got so exhausted by all of it.  System overload, there is no other way to explain it.
In the future, my husband should meet up with his friends and find a ride if he wants to do those things. I’m happy to have people over or have dinner with friends, where we can talk and understand each other.

If I want to listen to loud music and let myself go, I’ll do it under the shower or in my car 😊