Religion in AA, the higher power thing

I’ve lost my religion long ago. I lost it, not because I didn’t believe. But because of the acts of humans who hijacked it to let it suit them and claimed it as their own.   And how arrogant of a species are we to think that ‘god’ made us after his image.  If ‘he’ (?) really did, I couldn’t give him credit.  Why can’t ‘he’ be a waterfall, or a stone, a tree? Or some other thing much more beautiful and pure as a human being.  Why can’t ‘he’ be all for that matter.
I know it’s not all that bad and there are great people out there, but in my younger mind I didn’t see it that way.  And still, after I’ve watched or read the news I’m disgusted with the species I share my DNA.

My grandmother was a very religious woman but god fearing. I didn’t get that. Why should you have to fear somebody you look up to and worship?  It was normal in that time, believe without question.  Her friend lost her religion after she saw her granddaughter of only 5 tatter from, and later die off cancer. She couldn’t believe there was a god who could allow this innocent little girl to go through so much, yet so many who deserved to die a painfull dead, die of old age in their sleep. It wasn’t fair.

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There is a lot of ugliness, yet we are also surrounded by beauty

 

In my black and white thinking, I was convinced that nobody in their right mind could believe in a god the way ‘he’ was described in different books.  Whatever suited the inventor of that cult, that’s what God was.  I also knew that it couldn’t be that you just ask for something for yourself and it happens. The only times my prayers got answered, when I asked an egoistical thing, is when I prayed for bigger boobies.  I got bullied heavily by my brothers and me still having no breast at the age of 16 was an easy target.  Like I didn’t feel insecure enough at that age.  So, I prayed for bigger boobies.  It’s true what they say, be careful what you wish for cuz you just might get it! But that’s another story. What also did work was when I prayed for somebody or something else. For somebody to get or that my dad’s business would take of better/faster etc.

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I’m 37 now and slowly but steady I have to start to believe in something again. Still not a God as described in books. A god who tells us how to dress as a token of respect towards him. Not a god who keep us In check and to be sure we do him right one has to wear white socks and a put ‘cake’ on the  head. Or by murdering infidels.  Or one who lets us live in guilt from the moment we get born, that we are born sinners. Not a god with an ego who demands certain things from us, or else we have it coming in the afterlife.

What I’m starting to believe in is in this higher power,  divine coincidence. And trust. There is something watching over me.  Always did.  I just couldn’t see it anymore. I was so self-absorbed and preoccupied by superficial things, I was numbing myself with substances. I had shut myself out and got disconnected.

As I’m getting further into recovery and self-exploring/acceptation etc I’m more open to everything that’s happening in and around me.

Now, remember I was talking about feeling lonely in this quest of sobriety. Well, I recently gave a remark on a foreign article (about how not drinking alcohol is such a taboo and everybody jumps on you when you just want a non-alcoholic beverage). Well, my best friend from elementary school commented on my comment.  She doesn’t drink either and hates it when people want to lure her in or mock her for it. What are the odds, right?!  Look, I still don’t believe in a god (as invented and presented by humans with an agenda). But I do start to believe again in something that does listen, if you show patience and let yourself be guided by it. It doesn’t necessarily answer if you ask for egoistical/material things.  It’s those little things, that are getting me convinced again.  I’m beginning to see now that these are not mere coincidences. I’d love to read your experiences in that people, when did you think “this is not a coincidence”