About me

Hi

In short: I’m a 37 year old female, forever engaged to my forever fiance, mother to our 2 daughters, owner of chickens and dogs, full time working and started studying. We live in Belgium.

In long: I write about and take pictures of things that catch my mind.  That being nature, the small things in life and self improvement. And my road to recovery from various addictions.
I’ve been “unstable” throughout puberty, my 20’s, till early ’30s.  Depressed on and off.  In the end the depression was fought with pills. I thought this was going to be for life. The doc said so. And the thought of having to quit one day.. and falling back into the black hole, the death whishes,.. scared me. So I took them for years and years. My 3rd attempt at quitting has been my last one. And with that addiction, I took care of others too.  I don’t drink alcohol anymore.  Because I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke anymore.  Because it made me even more anxious and short-tempered, I’m also on a coffee stop. So everything that makes life worthy, to some, I threw overboard. And you know what? It feels great! From all my addictions alcohol was  most hard to recognize and acknowledge, therefore it lasted the longest.

Of course I’m still grumpy or down from time to time, ask my family. But I’ve been stable for a good year now, know how to recognize the patterns and possible triggers and tackle the moods.  Overal I’m healthy and happy. Something I’m still working on. I took time and effort to get to know myself and be kind to myself in order to get better.
The shit I told myself to stay depressed?  I was just a depressed person, had been trough traumatic events, the world is rotten and there is no reason to be happy, it runs in the family, maybe too little serotin and so on and on.

My salvation? A confluence of reasons.
Meeting a no-nonsense guy and having two kids who ask constant 24/7 attention, care, love and a 1000 other things (kids are needy little monsters) so they require a stable mother.
A body that was hurting everywhere (fibromyalgia) from constant inflammations and Graves disease. I felt the worst.
My brother who died at age 40. Getting to know myself, accept and love myself.

What I did? Stopped drinking, therefore stopped smoking. Gained more self knowledge and self respect.  I forgave.  Also myself and became finally nice to my body, began to treat it with respect. By becoming physically more active I gained more self worth, started noticing nature while jogging. Gained benefits of being outdoors. Started studying finally and not being afraid of burning ambition anymore (and the chance on failure) .. It’s a snowball effect but this time in a good direction

What I stopped doing? a lot of things I already mentioned, also gave up reading depressing news, depressing social media, old acquaintances. I really, really wanted to get better. I couldn’t feel worse anyway dispite the pills. All in babysteps.

Ok that’s about it, feel free to let me in on your story.  How you landed on my site meand where you are in your life now. Thanks for passing by!

MJ