Do you know how people say that you are who you really are when drunk, only the boundaries are gone.
Well… Go ask any person who has an alcoholic in the family who was able to quit. Has that person changed? Is he still the same person he was when being a drunk? Do you think that underneath he remains the same person? Do you feel you are you when drunk?
While being drunk is no excuse, I really do not believe you are the same person when you’re still using. Even when it is moderate. You never really know the true you until you quit and really live sober for a while.
The shame of being who we are when in addiction is what keeps a lot of people back from quitting and actually stay an addict. Often addicts are people who has sought for a solution of their inner pain in a substance. That pain doesn’t go away. It gets numbed a while. And you create some more problems with that, so you really feel like you can’t handle the sober life. You will really have to feel through all the (old) pain, anxiety and shame. And to top that of, you have to come clean about the extra trouble that you brought on yourself. You really have to face the fear of a new future. A future that is uncertain, because you never experienced it like this. That can be really frightening and a reason why people keep their habit. Even when it’s self-destructing to them.
But, let me get this clear to you. You are not a bad person, you are no an unreliable fuck up loser. You are not the person that you are when you were drunk. It’ll take time to get to know and appreciate yourself but it is so worth it. You can’t fix all the wrongs you may have done but you can do better and maybe in time some of the things you thought were never going to get healed, will heal.