Working on one self isn’t easy. There is so much to do, so much work and it is advancement with babysteps.
It’s like doing the household, you clean and dust but if you don’t keep it up, it catches up to you.
The hardest work so far is, yep still, being a mom. The parenting thing.
Trying to be a ‘good mom’. Being just and fair, yet staying human and not a police officer. But that’s the way I often feel. I don’t have to be friends with them in a let-them-walk-over-me kind of way, far from that.
But I often find myself hating on me because I can’t seem to stop naggin’, warning, lecturing, bribing, critisizing and so many other irritable and non-productive ways to make this thing called ‘a family’ a smooth sailing. Which it isn’t. It’s hard work.
I somethimes forget they are kids, I somethimes would love them to act more “grown up” (yet I don’t know much grown ups who act “grown up” either) and on the other hand I want them to enjoy their childhood as much and as long as possible. I also feel I zone out too much when it’s overwelming. Always been a reader, even the back of a cereal box when nothing else came in handy. Those were the ’80s. Now I have a cell phone which I semi-blame for my zone out addiction. And the stuff I read is hardly even as interesting as the back of the ol’ cereal box.
Why do I do it? It’s like, they come home and start clattering non stop, loudly and nobody listens to anybody and I feel my head is going to explode, so I zone out. I love their energy but It comes in as nervousness and I need to get out of that or I’ll get nervous. It really gets under my skin. I really wonder how you get a kid to do Yoga (without sedation).
My kids know this. But they stay kids, meaning they too, as every other human being, thinks about his/her needs first.
And one of their needs is to ‘express’ themselves, loudly. I know I’m going to miss this when they grow up and become unmotivated teenagers who don’t want to share about their day.
So I’m still working very hard on that, I really need to let go more. You know those funny pictures on the net of guilty pets? Those ones yes
I should think that way about my kids too. Imagine them with a sign that says “I spilled orange juice on the neatly mopped floor. Twice. Today. This morning. And used my foot to try to ‘clean’ it” or “I hate whatever my mom is making, but I love my to eat nails/fingers/hair and boogers”
“I hate breakfeast and am not shy to show it” and the other one standing by her “I have that feeling about dinner!”
I have to learn to take the humorous approach. And turn of the cell phone in the afternoon and evening.